Becoming a Sex Worker
By Becky Knight
“Honey, if someone asked you what your mommy does at her job, what would you tell them?”
“That you’re a sex worker,” she said matter-of-factly, slurping another spoonful of cereal.
“Ahhhhh. Not exactly dear…”
Explaining what I do is awkward in most social situations, but explaining it to my third-grader presents its own challenge. While she knows more about sex than her elementary-aged peers, she can’t truly grasp the context of what I do and my passion for it. She is in the concrete thinking stage, and for her, sex is all about making babies.
My in-laws, on the other hand, tell people that I work for a marriage counselor. That’s true enough, and that’s what I say when I don’t know a person well enough to judge how they’ll react if I give a more thorough explanation. Still, after working in this field for a number of years and earning my Masters, it’s unfortunate that I still feel some sense of shame for what I do. It’s as if working for a marriage counselor is legitimate, but working with a sex therapist is not.
I’m not shy about saying that the only reason I know this particular sex therapist is because I am a previous client. When I talk to incoming therapy clients, if it’s appropriate, I will divulge this. It’s a way to break down the stigma of therapy in general, and sex therapy in particular.
About five years ago, I was on my way to church for a women’s Bible study and thinking to myself how happy I was to be in such a stable “no drama” marriage. For some reason, I remember that moment vividly — tapping my fingers on the steering wheel and feeling secure. Perhaps I remember it because a few weeks later everything changed. I was confronted with the truth that my marriage lacked true intimacy. Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy. We sought a sex therapist because at that point in time, after nine years of marriage, there were some things that finally needed to be said, and felt, and understood.
After therapy concluded, I stayed in touch with our therapist and eventually began volunteering at her office. I wanted to be a part, somehow, of helping other women explore and celebrate their sexuality. That passion has grown into a full-time position. I still do intakes of new therapy clients, but I also see my own clients for E-Coaching (“E” because it is educationally based and also because we do a lot of our work with clients using online tools). I have become specialized in helping women overcome dyspareunia (painful intercourse) and vulvodynia (pain in the vulva), and I lead our E-Sensual Woman program for women who want to learn to orgasm. Yep, you read me right, I teach women how to have an orgasm!
So, I guess I am a “sex worker” of sorts.
Helping people improve their physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy is meaningful and beautiful work. It constantly challenges and shapes my view of myself, others, and of life and love. This career path has led me to a place of appreciating and understanding people on a level that I never experienced before. I look forward to going to work every day, knowing that I will learn more about the amazing experience of being human.
What happens in this office on a daily basis – it is spiritual work. It is ministry. It is honest and transparent and true.
A few months ago, at our E-Sensual Woman class, one of our graduates told her story. She was raised in a conservative home and was very religious. She was a virgin when she got married, but found out on her wedding night that any attempt at sexual intercourse resulted in terrible pain. Her doctor told her there was nothing he could do, and so they lived in a sexless, childless marriage for over twenty years. Last year, she found her way to the right doctor who knew how to help her — an interdisciplinary approach that included sex therapy. When this client called our office, I could tell she was anxious about seeing a “sex doctor,” but once she and her husband began counseling and once she got involved in the women’s online program and class — she totally blossomed. It was amazing. That night, when she talked about the moment when her husband finally broke her hymen, after 20+ years of marriage, it brought tears to all of our eyes. Now, she says, they are “like kids in a candy store” — making up for lost time!
I tell this story because it reminds me, on the darker days, that sex is beautiful. It is healing. It’s worth fighting for. And it’s an honor for me to journey with people as they discover and embrace it for themselves.
Becky Knight, MPH is a Clinical Sexologist / Sexuality Educator / Sex Coach / Sexpert / and yes, “Sex Worker” who blogs at LivingSexuality.com. She works at Sensovi Institute in Charlotte NC as Director of Education and Programs.
