Emerging Women

By Anonymous

What does it mean to be an abuse survivor and a Christian?

I’ve had good cause to wonder about this.

I am a survivor of emotional abuse. During the brief relationship I had with a young Christian man who went to my church, I was emotionally and mentally assaulted on an almost daily basis and told that I was bringing it on myself with my “crazy” behavior. By the time our relationship ended, I didn’t know down from up anymore. My entire sense of self was nearly obliterated by means of his chronic degradations. My entire reality was destabilized by him telling me that most of what I believed or experienced was wrong. What was worse, because he had endeavored to keep our relationship a “secret”, very few people knew we had even been together, let alone what he had done. I didn’t even understand the reality of what had been done to me until months later, and I had to resort to therapy in order to deal with the post traumatic stress disorder and hypervigilance that was interfering with my behavior every day. To make matters worse, going back to that church was not an option for me at the time. I felt at the time (and I still do) that it is not safe for me to be where he is, and opening myself up to the ridicule, blame, and disbelief that I felt I would experience from him and members of my church by exposing his abuse is simply not something I can face. I cannot even live in the same town right now; I live elsewhere.

I have been lucky enough to find a church family that affirms me where I am now. Therapy helps me to regain power over myself; as I do so, my need for vengeance against him diminishes. Forgiveness remains an open question, one I am amenable to in the future, but is simply not possible now. Kindly meant remarks such as “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and “Well, why didn’t you leave him?” serve to fuel my rage. God sure as hell didn’t give this to me. Furthermore, blaming the victim for being unable to understand or combat the violence that was inflicted on her or him remains counterproductive at best, outright cruel at worst.

I wonder what it means to be the body of Christ when abuse has happened within it. What was done to me was justified by him with crude moralistic weapons. It was compounded when certain people I trusted treated me like I must have done something to deserve it. Neither of these has anything to do with Jesus or his teachings; quite the opposite, in fact. Yet I find time after time that Christians, including people that I cared for and trusted in my church community, still hold these anti-Christian attitudes. Hence my fear, which in one sense is unfounded (for maybe I am not giving them enough credit) and in another sense is very much based in reality. I’ve seen what happens to women who accuse famous men of rape in the media. I’d rather not have something similar play out in my own life.

What does it mean to be a woman in the church? What does it mean to be silent about violence perpetrated within the church? There is no doubt in my mind that Christ is by my side, weeping tears with me, gently bringing every new healing into creation, holding me up when I feel I cannot go on. I am not so trustful of his followers. Something about having the most fragile parts of you violated makes you wary of trusting people again. My own mother could barely believe that this happened to me. In the early days of understanding, trying to sort through what had really happened, one of my classmates said, “It could happen to anyone. You’re not alone.” I am not alone. What does that mean for me? What does that mean for the church?

What does reconciliation mean?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I know that my Creator came to destroy a system that is so firmly entrenched that even today, with all our so-called progress, survivors are afraid to speak up. I know that it is only in Christ that I will be healed and become whole again.

Today, March 8, is International Women’s Day – a day dedicated worldwide to recognizing the achievements of women. I wanted to highlight some of the posts women in our network created to honor the day. If you have a link you would like us to add, leave it in the comments and it will be added to the list.

Angie Muresan reflects on celebrating IWD in Romania– “When I was a child, every March 8 dawned fresh and glistening. In our country it was a national holiday, a celebration of being a woman, a mother, a wife, a colleague. Children at school worked on crafts and wrote letters to their mothers. Men brought flowers and chocolates for the females in their lives. Mothers sent children to school with bouquets of spring flowers for the female teachers, and after saying, “I kiss your hand,” the obligatory child to female adult greeting, we would give them the flowers.”

And she is hosting a book giveaway in honor of the day, so stop by her site!

Kathy Escobar writes on the power of being wanted – “there’s a strong and powerful undercurrent in the patriarchical, hierarchical systems that have permeated the church that says to women “we don’t really want you.” well, actually we do, but we want you “if you will play by our power rules” or to “do the grunt work that needs to get done, take care of the kids & keep the world spinning round at church & at home.” but we don’t really want all of you–your powerful, creative, beautiful gifts & powerful, wise, nurturing voice side-by-side us as equals together.”

Sonja Andrews takes on Women’s History Month – “But there is something about the idea of having the dominant population “allow” a month for women’s history or african-american history or whatever history that is vaguely unsettling. Because if the culturally dominant population is still in a position to allow this, then they are also in a position to take it back. Which means … they still hold all the power.”

Julie Clawson writes on why we need IWD – “But the fact remains, if women truly were treated as equals, valued for our contributions, respected for our ideas, and not assumed to be inferior or incapable in any way, then there would not need to be a day to bring attention to the achievements of women.”

And I have to add, Nicholas Kristof’s New York Times article today on three proven steps to advance the world’s women as a informative must read.

By Lauran Kerr-Heraly

I hear constantly that men should be the provider. What people usually mean by that is they expect men to work hard at their jobs to make enough money so the rest of the family is fed, clothed, and happy.

When Eric and I decided to get married, out of respect he spoke to both my parents before the proposal. They asked him how he planned to provide for me and eventually for children. At the time, I was struggling with serious health issues, so part of their question was a sincere inquiry into his willingness to be the sole income-earner in the case that my health prevented me from working. He, of course, was and would be willing to do that if the need arose.

But I loved his answer. He told them that we would provide for each other. Provision would extend beyond financial concerns. He committed to providing inspiration and care and support to me, just as I would provide that to him.

He has said several times since we got married that he is glad he doesn’t have the burden of “provider” in the traditional sense. He is glad he didn’t sacrifice a job he loves and is gifted at in order to make more money. He is glad he isn’t the spiritual provider in the sense that all spiritual decisions and knowledge are left to him. He is glad that he is connected to me (and later to our children) emotionally, not in a distant provider/protector sense.

Our commitment to provide for each other allows us to trust God to be our ultimate provider of Life and guidance. Christ is the head of our marriage, not one of us.

Lauran Kerr-Heraly is a graduate student at the University of Houston where she also teaches Women’s Studies. She shares a hyphenated name and a blog with her husband. Follow her writing at http://thehyphenhouse.blogspot.com (where this post originally appeared) and www.thisordinaryday.com.

My church is currently doing a series where we are exploring how cultural system of patriarchy have not only hurt women and men, but they have forced us to limit God. It is a very difficult series because it exposes in us woundings that many of us have never fully faced before. But if we truly desire to love each other and worship God fully in spirit and truth, we have to force ourselves to explore difficult topics.

During our first week, we played this song by Cary Cooper, “Pretty Girls,” that really gets at the pain unhealthy cultural expectations and gender roles can cause us. I thought I’d share it here.

Pretty Girls

You…never like…your ugly duckling
You never like me…without my…lipstick on
You…never like…my recollections where your memories
Where you memories are…tread upon

You…never come…right out and tell me
The scenic route has…always…been your way
But I’ve…been riding shotgun with you long enough to know
Long enough to know what you mean when you say

Pretty girls…have pretty voices
Pretty girls…preserve their youth
Pretty girls…know all their choices
Pretty girls…don’t tell the truth

You…can teach a girl…to curtsy
Set a table…like her great grandmother did
You…can dress her up…in velvet
Neglect to tell her…all…the secrets you hid

And love…love is not…the question
Cause if you wanted…you could love someone to death
Love…them straight into…the closet…afraid to draw
Afraid to draw…afraid to draw a breath

Pretty girls…have pretty voices
Pretty girls…preserve their youth
Pretty girls…know all their choices
Pretty girls…don’t tell the truth

Pretty girls…have pretty voices
Pretty girls…preserve their youth
Pretty girls…know all their choices
Pretty girls…don’t tell the truth

By Julie Clawson

Clay Shirky’s recent blog post A Rant About Women has been getting it’s fair share of attention – mostly of the angry and upset variety. In the rant, he asserts that women don’t have the high-paying jobs and positions of power that men do basically because we don’t sell ourselves well enough. He sees male students all the time pompously asserting themselves and even lying in order to get where they want in life. Women just don’t act like arrogant bastards, and so therefore we are still underrepresented in the professional world. He suggests, we need to just be more like men in our self-promotion. He writes-

And it looks to me like women in general, and the women whose educations I am responsible for in particular, are often lousy at those kinds of behaviors, even when the situation calls for it. They aren’t just bad at behaving like arrogant self-aggrandizing jerks. They are bad at behaving like self-promoting narcissists, anti-social obsessives, or pompous blowhards, even a little bit, even temporarily, even when it would be in their best interests to do so. Whatever bad things you can say about those behaviors, you can’t say they are underrepresented among people who have changed the world.

Now this is asking women to behave more like men, but so what? We ask people to cross gender lines all the time. We’re in the middle of a generations-long project to encourage men to be better listeners and more sensitive partners, to take more account of others’ feelings and to let out our own feelings more. Similarly, I see colleges spending time and effort teaching women strategies for self-defense, including direct physical aggression. I sometimes wonder what would happen, though, if my college spent as much effort teaching women self-advancement as self-defense.

* * *

Some of the reason these strategies succeed is because we live in a world where women are discriminated against. However, even in an ideal future, self-promotion will be a skill that produces disproportionate rewards, and if skill at self-promotion remains disproportionately male, those rewards will as well. This isn’t because of oppression, it’s because of freedom.

So on one hand, I understand his point. Research has shown that often women make less than men simply because women don’t ask for raises as often as men do. We don’t put ourselves out there in risky ways, making ourselves look good no matter who it may hurt. But as a Christian I have a hard time with his suggestion that if women just became selfish jerks like men, we would be all good. Yes, we have the freedom to play that game and yes, it may actually get us more power and money, but we’d have to sell our soul in the process. I don’t want to play a bitchier meaner game in order to compete, I want to change the game itself. I would rather live in a world where being an arrogant bastard wasn’t a virtue. Sure, that might sound naive and idealistic, but it also sounds much more in line with my faith. If I want to be like Jesus, I can’t play the game “me first, screw whoever gets in my way.”

So I wonder if the professors and consultants who are putting their time and energy into helping women be able to play just as dirty as the men in a broken system would instead put effort into building a new system what difference that would make? What would it take for that to start to happen? What changes need to be made at fundamental levels to shift the way this entire game gets played? What would a system even look like where caring for the other instead of “every man for himself” was the central tenet?

Julie Clawson is a mother, writer, and speaker. She is the author of Everyday Justice: The Global Impact of Our Daily Choices (IVP, 2009). In addition to moderating the Emerging Women blog, she also writes at julieclawson.com.

By Jan Edmiston

When I was in seminary in Boston in the 80s, we heard Mary Daly was on some kind of permanent sabbatical from Boston College although she continued to be on the faculty through the 90s. She died last week at the age of 81.

She was a Roman Catholic feminist who refused to admit men to her women’s studies classes.

But before we write her off as wild and crazy, remember that she introduced to many of us the radical notion that God Is Not a Man. There is no “Big Man in the Sky.”

What was “dangerously radical” was in fact Biblical. It set us free.

Mary Daly was a brave believer. She wrote Church and the Second Sex when Boston College was still all-male, threatening her job and derailing her own tenure track. Eventually she got tenure, which made it hard to get rid of her – although they tried. She was the first woman to preach at Memorial Church on the campus of Harvard.

She delighted in linguistics, criticizing “bore-ocrats” and calling angry men “misterical.” She was angry herself at times – but was also funny and so, so smart. Mainly, she was trying to be true and real. Her wishes for memorial services were merely to have women celebrate her life wherever they lived. No special services.

This is my own little tribute here.

So Saturday, one of my favorite people asked me if I would officiate at his and J’s wedding in 2011. In our sanctuary. In a state where same sex marriage is illegal and probably will be for a while. “Don’t you want to get married in DC when you can actually get a license?” I said. “No, this is our church.” he said.

Mary Daly lives wherever we try to do the radical, Christ-like thing.

This post first appeared at Jan’s blog A Church for Starving Artists.

From the Campaign for Gender Equality, written by Ann J. Simonton, Founder and Coordinator of the educational non-profit, Media Watch.

Back in the 70’s the United Nations reported that advertising images of women presented a major stumbling block to their advancement. Today the U.N. continues to report that “the roots of violence to women lie in unequal power relations and the persistent discrimination against women.”

In my university lectures I ask audiences to imagine what it might be like if females were portrayed within the public sphere as fully clothed, diverse, respected contributors to the betterment of society rather than as the ever popular barely clothed, anorexic teen, spread-eagle on a floor staring wide-eyed at the camera seeking approval? I also attempt to help people see the big picture, which can illustrate the huge disconnect between popular image of females depicted within the white, male-dominated corporate media and the global reality of women’s arduous road toward equality, including a right not to be sexually violated and silenced.

The biggest key to getting these rights in our culture is education. Unfortunately the commercial media bombards us with falsehoods that counter education. After a steady diet of Fox News, Gossip Girls, Family Guy and Cathouse, one might easily conclude that women are not exploited – in fact, in many ways, they have it better than men! Women in the media are forever thin and youthful; she is a beauty addict, a lazy welfare queen, a sexualized child, a manipulative bitch, and she will trick men into marriage using her sexuality. Media stories highlight paid escorts and strippers who love their jobs and the prostitute’s image is then imitated by iconic celebrities who appear in film, music videos and advertising. These popular media stories reinforce the status quo, and offer little or no coverage of how this public hatred impacts every woman.

It can be argued males don’t look so good in mainstream media either. But men in the media continue to outnumber women two to one, they can grow old without extraordinary surgical intervention, and they remain the voice and face of authority. Rarely are women in the media seen as a legitimate authority. And, as Clinton’s run for presidency showed us, if she dares to lead, she will be reduced to a whining horror in a pantsuit.

The Power of an Image

Are we waiting for the scientific community to stand in their crisp white lab coats holding clipboards to tell us we are in trouble? It won’t happen. It is very difficult to prove that a person viewing a violent movie or image will predictably and repeatedly behave a certain way. But let’s ask President Obama, who is currently barring images of detainee abuse which include rape and torture. Obama claims that releasing the photos, “would pose an unacceptable risk of danger to U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq.” So the government clearly believes that images of one group humiliating and harming another group will incite the enemy and likely cause an “unacceptable risk of danger.” In another example from Catharine Mackinnon’s book, Are Women Human?, we find that during the “international criminal tribunal for Rwanda . . . three media leaders were found guilty of genocide and persecution for broadcasts and publications that impelled the killing of Tutsi and moderate Hutu civilians in the Rwandan genocide of 1994. The point of the ruling was not to find the negative and hateful statements but to prohibit what was done to people as a result of them. Cartoons that sexualized the hate and fear of Tutsi women were linked to their mass rape.”

We do know, after years and volumes of work on the effects of violent media, that the most dangerous type of violent media is when it is realistic, justified, attractive, and/or where acts of violence receive no negative consequence. Continual consumption of violent content over time teaches everyone, including small children, that violence is an accepted way to solve problems. We also know violence in the media increases the risk of viewers behaving aggressively, which is only one of several dozen documentable negative effects. Media studies also confirm that witnessing repeated violent acts can lead to desensitization and a lack of empathy for human suffering. Mainstream media creates the dominant narrative on how violence against women is perceived and how bad this violence can be when it is used as entertainment. A recent study of the Parents Television Council found that in the past 4 years mainstream network television has seen an alarming 120% increase in depictions of violence to women and girls.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

The media is filled with realistic, justified, and attractive images of women’s violation -
which is promoted as a source of sexual arousal for men. A recent content analysis of 50 best-selling adult videos (Wosnitzer & Bridges, 2007) revealed that over 88% of the 304 scenes analyzed showed physical aggression. Seventy percent of the aggressive acts were perpetrated by men. Women were overwhelmingly portrayed as the victims of aggression: 87% of acts were committed against women. By far the most common responses that victims expressed when they were being treated aggressively were either pleasure or neutrality. Less than 5% of the aggressive acts provoked a negative response from the victim; they neither fought back nor requested that the action be stopped. So here we have in a nutshell a combination of the most dangerous types of violent media bound together in a seductive delivery system, available free and anonymous online to everyone 24/7. Unfortunately, this is largely met with silence and inactivity on the part of well-meaning parents and teachers.

Commercial news programs provide little or no context as a results of the harm being done to women and children. News stories of women and girls being murdered and raped are hardly surprising. When a man murders his whole family, the news media often depicts him as the distraught father who lost his job, a quiet neighbor – rather than focusing on the life and dreams of those he kills. The media needs to be reminded that violence to women is a choice men make. Men are taking action, men are committing the crime. Instead we read passively phrased headlines, such as “Woman Raped”, “Woman Attacked” – as if the person who actively committed the crime is irrelevant; why not “Man Rapes” or “Man Attacks”? This small change would be profound.

We Have Work To Do

We could begin with a modest goal – that say 50% of the images that surround us depict diverse women of every race, age, ethnicity, size and economic background, women who stand on their own two feet with a focus on the work they do. Essentially our goal is a realistic portrait of the extraordinary working women in the world today, where none pose for viewer approval.

We aren’t arguing whether an individual has the right to view teens splayed out selling frivolous clothing from Ralph Lauren. We hope to reframe the discussion into a human rights issue and a public health issue. Imagine if we were still arguing about cigarettes from the standpoint of an individual’s right to smoke if they choose to. Of course they do, yet we also have a right to know the impact of those cigarettes on our health and the health of our community. Women are being shoved against a wall – and if we cannot end the pervasive hate speech, we must at the very least flood the wall with images of women’s true value and worth.

For action steps click here.