The Rosary
By Irim
“Woohoo!” I thought, as the 4B stopped next to me in the High Street. “Hi ho, Hi ho, off to Littlemore we go!” It had been a full day – talk to the Research Induction School; Dean’s Forum; the usual first week frustrations with a new intake. Now off to a 7pm case study.
It was just after 6 when I got on the bus (I like early, especially in rush hour) and was rooting through my pockets for gum (which, of course, I’d left on my desk) when my hand came upon an odd texture.
Beads.
I have a ROSARY in my pocket? Since when?
She is eternal:
Curious to see which one it was, I surreptitiously pulled it out – and found myself smiling. It was the one brought back for me from Israel by my beloved teaching colleague, Helen Raucher, and her husband, Steve, shortly after I’d converted. Blue crystal beads, silver chain, ‘Terra Santa’ where Our Lady’s image usually is. Yes, I’m a wooden bead girl, but a rosary given with love – especially from Jewish friends acknowledging and wishing me joy in my conversion to Catholicism – trumps that a thousandfold. It’s my favourite, and was a particularly appropriate one to find as Erev Rosh Hashanah was about to begin.
I gazed at it with trepidation. Anyone who reads this blog knows of my deep love for Our Lady, the dream I associate with her, the fact that I said the ‘Hail Mary’ long before I was Catholic…
long before nations’ lines were drawn – when no flags flew, when no armies stood, [her haven] was born
…but I have a shameful secret. I DREAD saying the rosary. I would rather dental floss an army of cats without body armour than have to say the rosary, especially in congregation after the 10am mass (sorry, guys!).
But I feel torn. Our Lady is what holds me in the Church, and this is really THE form of prayer that focuses on her, and I can’t abide it. I know I’m not alone; that doesn’t make me feel less guilty. “Ok,” I thought, “Let’s give it a go. Best way over guilt is to stop avoiding it. You can do it for an intention, right? Just…start.”
I tried the Apostles’ Creed, but got as far as…”We.” Hey, at least I got that far.
I looked at my phone as soon as I got off. 18.30. Not due in till 19.00. Maybe try it walking through the church graveyard at St Mary’s and St Nicholas’? Had time to spare, what did I have to lose?
I wiggled through the gate and turned left, starting the Apostles’ Creed, as I tried to remember WHICH mysteries…Tuesday…sorrowful. Crap, it’s been so long, what ARE they?
Our Father, which art in heaven…
I passed the grave of the lad who died at 19 yrs and 6 months in France in September 1918, and though I continued reciting the rosary, my heart broke with sorrow for one lost so young, so near the end of a war.
And you ask me why I love her – through wars, death and despair. She is the constant; we who don’t care
And as the beads slipped through my hands…
Hail Mary, full of grace
…I finally got it. Fr Richard told me ages ago, when I told him I couldn’t do the rosary at home or in bed, that the rosary was a prayer of motion. I kind of got it at Walsingham and on Newman night walks.
In the graveyard, I *got* it. It’s what any Buddhist or Hindu or Muslim would have told me. The rhythm of repetitive prayer allows your mind to let go and drop deeper into prayer – even if that prayer is the fact that the plumber needs to come and fix the sink. Even if it’s about a 19 year old boy I never knew. It’s all prayer.
Glory be to the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit…
As I wandered amongst the graves, beads rough against my fingers, slipping from decade to decade, I thought about love, life, loss, being forgotten and remembered, what I’d left behind and where I was going, the constant, deepening struggle between the institutional Church and my unfolding faith.
You wonder will I leave her – but how? I cross over borders, but I’m still there now.
As the sun lowered in the sky, I could feel the internal stillness deepen, and a sense of peace came over me.
Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy…aw, crap, how does the rest of it go? Fuck it. Salve regina, mater misericordiae…
Then I turned the last corner, and the gate came into sight again…and I had the answer. Well, I’d always had it; I’d just been letting too much get in the way, too many well-meaning people decide what KIND of Catholic *I* had to be: you’ll be a good Catholic when you receive on the tongue; if you fall in line here; if you stop thinking about this, it’ll be so much easier, dear, won’t it? And if you stop looking too hard and too deeply and seeing what’s really going on, it’ll all be fine. Will it, fuck.
I can’t say the rosary just like anyone else: others prefer kneeling, saying it together, in bed, in the car, wherever. But that’s not for me. The rosary works for me when I’m walking in a graveyard: maybe it’ll work when I’m walking on the railway line at Walsingham or somewhere else. I don’t know. What I DO know is that tonight, I made the rosary mine. Now, it is always mine.
I need to do the same with my faith: stop looking around; stop listening to even the most well-meaning when they try to change me; stop trying to fit in a mould that doesn’t work for me. The other thing I need to stop doing is getting infuriated/drawn into politics, ideological arguments, hard as that is for me, since I love a good argument. But this isn’t genuine argument; it’s polarisation. And I can only imagine Our Lady’s sorrowing eyes as she looks down on it.
How can I leave her? Where would I start? Let [the Church's] petty [factions] tear themselves apart…
Not too long ago, a friend said that I was ‘a mix’ when it came to my faith. He’s *right*. My faith is what it is – it’s ME. Complicated, light, dark, sharp, tender, angry, loving, sad – all of it. Take it or leave it. I suspect – or rather, I hope – I know which one Our Lady will choose.
…[Mother Church's] only borders lie around [her] heart.
Happy birthday.
Irim lives in England and is re-training to be a psychotherapist – after having been a teacher and a librarian. She was born a Muslim, taught at an Orthodox Jewish School and became Catholic. This post first appeared on her blog The night and half-light of dreams.
September 19th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
The mother of Jesus died, and dead people cannot hear prayers, so why do you pray to Mary being that she does not hear you?
September 19th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Catholics believe that Mary was assumed into heaven, like Elijah, so that’s one reason. But in addition, like all Christians, Catholics believe in the survival of the soul after death – and in a communion of saints who ARE in heaven and can hear prayers, and thus intercede for those praying. One prays TO God, one asks for help of Mary and the communion of saints – more like, ‘Place my petition before God – be my advocate.’
September 22nd, 2010 at 7:08 am
Irim – I also believe in the communion of the saints – whether we are on earth or in heaven, we have a joint participation in the grace of Jesus Christ. However that does not imply that death does nothing to the interaction between us! We all know something of the painful and terrible reality of death separating us from our loved ones. The soul of the departed is alive and conscious – in heaven or hell, but there is no communication between the departed and us. That’s why the Bible forbids us from trying to communicate with the dead.
A paralyzed limb is still very much part of the body, yet it does not respond to the body’s commands. Similarly, the dead saints remain part of the body of Christ, but there is an effective separation from the living saints. The same Lord who healed paralytics during his earthly ministry will one day give His people a glorified and immortal body and gather us all together. Until then we must face the sad consequence of death: separation!
September 24th, 2010 at 2:52 am
Linda,
This blog is a place that allows people different beliefs – I’m not going to convince you, nor you me – and that is absolutely fine. I respect your beliefs, now I’m asking you to do the same with mine – and read the entry bearing MY beliefs in mind. If it moves you, great. If you hate it, that’s fine too. But this argument distracts from spiritual issues that I’m trying to articulate in the entry, and it’s a discussion without a resolution, since you’re not really listening, but are intent on turning me into someone different – and that’s not a conversation, which comment threads are meant to be, that’s a lecture. And it’s not one I’m willing to receive. But thank you for sharing. xx
September 25th, 2010 at 10:18 am
Irim, although this is more on the topic of the comments, thank you for explaining why one would pray to Mary or the Saints. I never had any idea why! But the advocacy belief makes a lot of sense to me. You’re blog is beautiful.
September 26th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Lacie -
Bless you and thank you. I NEVER mind explaining why we pray the rosary, etc. – I just don’t want to get into an argument that distracts from discussion of finding your own spirituality, or any other issues of prayer, etc, that I think it might throw up. No matter what we believe, there are underlying themes that resonate, and it’s those I want to touch on. If someone believes differently, that’s cool – just don’t tell me *I’m* wrong. There’s room for all of us.
And Lacie, hon – any questions, ask away, I’m happy to answer. I know we Catholics can be kinda weird and esoteric.
xx
September 27th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
It took me a long time to get this, too, but I think you’re exactly right. This sentence, especially: “The rhythm of repetitive prayer allows your mind to let go and drop deeper into prayer.” Lovely post.
October 8th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Please, spare me estrogen defiled theology: Mary did not die on the cross, nor did she pay any other penalty more than the rest of us who have suffered through natural childbirth; in fact, her child rose from the grave, which is a lot more than many women I know can say… (myself included)
I can’t believe I’m bored enough to be here again, but I guess I must be one of the stubborn faithful, wearily protesting as one who does not capitulate to post-modern idealism, and realizing that my pity does not end at ignorance.
For those of you who need God to answer your prayers–stop praying to Mary–she isn’t going tto hear you any more than my grandma Helene.
October 10th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Antoinette, why DO you come here? What’s the point in coming here just to raise your blood pressure and tear down other people’s beliefs? If you don’t like it, stay away and let people believe what they want: how is someone else praying the rosary going to hurt you? Why do you need to control what other people believe, rather than allow them to find the way to God that suits them?
November 14th, 2010 at 11:57 am
Joseph…
Google…
November 20th, 2010 at 8:12 am
Irim-
Thank you for your elegant and compassionate response to Antoinette and Linda. Seeking understanding as fellow Christians is what Jesus asks of us, not assuming we have all the answers.
Antoinette – Catholic reverence and prayers to Mary dates from at least the 14th Century, long before any women’s movements began. The two are unconnected.
February 2nd, 2011 at 8:55 pm
Compassionate response? In whose imagination? There was nothing remotely compassionate in that response. And elegant? Don’t make me nauseated. And I’m sorry, your arbitrary comments about the women’s movement don’t compute–what is your point?
As for the reasons I come here, I guess it’s because I get a perverse kick out provoking post-modernists into vehement arguments about truth; none of you ever seem to get the irony, which makes it even funnier for me. Apart from my own amusement, I can say truthfully, that I showed up here undercover–so to speak–looking for evidence of grace, which so far, has been non-existent. Apparently one must proscribe to the politically correct, ultra left-wing mindset to qualify.(funny, I’ve found no biblical reference for this)
So tell me, what is your definition of Grace?
March 15th, 2011 at 1:15 pm
Dear Irim,
i found this blog, as i find most, from a link to a link to a link, and i know God led me here. I didn’t expect to find a post by a Catholic woman, especially not a Catholic woman who would use the word rosary and f#*k in the same sentence, with great love! Amen sister. I am also a practicing Catholic who doesn’t fit into the current mold of model behavior and doctrine. It was so nice to find someone else who feels the way I do and could articulate it so beautifully. I look forward to finding your blog so I can read more.
April 24th, 2011 at 8:39 am
I believe the more outside the box followers of Yeshua that get onto cyberspace the better. Divine life is not contained in status quo religion but in broken earthen vessels who’ve felt the effects of Holy Breath.
April 24th, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Mary, the mother of Jesus, cannot hear your prayers, you should only pray to God, and God is the only One that your prayers should be addressed to. Saying prayers is a form of worship, and only God is to be worshiped.
Have you every thought that maybe you have not been born of God, so God seems so far away from you, especially in prayers.
Enjoy the Keith Green song…
http://youtu.be/Sk7w4y_9B2k
April 24th, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Do you really believe that quoted statement “She is eternal:” as in refering to Mary, the mother of Jesus????????
ONLY GOD ALONE IS ETERNAL!!!!!!!
Read the Holy Bible, Mary is not eternal, as in she did not always exist, only God always existed. Mary is a creature, God is the Creator, therefore Mary was created by God just like you and I.
You should not be praying to creatures but to the Creator, God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and earth, the Eternal One.
May 14th, 2011 at 12:10 pm
Irim,
Came across your blog randomly, but wanted to affirm that your faith and how you seek for God in an earnest, honest, way is beautiful. It has brought a refreshing smile to my face tonight.
Thank you for struggling with the system and seeking its true purpose, knowledge of Him.
Continue to stand tall.
WIth love,
Julia
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January 30th, 2012 at 7:22 am
Just came across this site from a Sojourner’s article. I had a comment on how I pray with rosary beads. As a person raised in the Catholic church and now a member of Disciples of Christ, I use many different prayers. The repetitive one I say is one to the Holy Spirit. I say the Our Father at each decade, and Hail Mary, but not over and over. I say a prayer for all the people, and issues that I feel need prayer. Fore example, on one bead “please help Uncle So and So with his cancer, another bead, please bring Peace in the world, etc., etc.
Hope this might be helpful to someone.