Wrestling with Questions
By Anonymous
What does it mean to be an abuse survivor and a Christian?
I’ve had good cause to wonder about this.
I am a survivor of emotional abuse. During the brief relationship I had with a young Christian man who went to my church, I was emotionally and mentally assaulted on an almost daily basis and told that I was bringing it on myself with my “crazy” behavior. By the time our relationship ended, I didn’t know down from up anymore. My entire sense of self was nearly obliterated by means of his chronic degradations. My entire reality was destabilized by him telling me that most of what I believed or experienced was wrong. What was worse, because he had endeavored to keep our relationship a “secret”, very few people knew we had even been together, let alone what he had done. I didn’t even understand the reality of what had been done to me until months later, and I had to resort to therapy in order to deal with the post traumatic stress disorder and hypervigilance that was interfering with my behavior every day. To make matters worse, going back to that church was not an option for me at the time. I felt at the time (and I still do) that it is not safe for me to be where he is, and opening myself up to the ridicule, blame, and disbelief that I felt I would experience from him and members of my church by exposing his abuse is simply not something I can face. I cannot even live in the same town right now; I live elsewhere.
I have been lucky enough to find a church family that affirms me where I am now. Therapy helps me to regain power over myself; as I do so, my need for vengeance against him diminishes. Forgiveness remains an open question, one I am amenable to in the future, but is simply not possible now. Kindly meant remarks such as “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and “Well, why didn’t you leave him?” serve to fuel my rage. God sure as hell didn’t give this to me. Furthermore, blaming the victim for being unable to understand or combat the violence that was inflicted on her or him remains counterproductive at best, outright cruel at worst.
I wonder what it means to be the body of Christ when abuse has happened within it. What was done to me was justified by him with crude moralistic weapons. It was compounded when certain people I trusted treated me like I must have done something to deserve it. Neither of these has anything to do with Jesus or his teachings; quite the opposite, in fact. Yet I find time after time that Christians, including people that I cared for and trusted in my church community, still hold these anti-Christian attitudes. Hence my fear, which in one sense is unfounded (for maybe I am not giving them enough credit) and in another sense is very much based in reality. I’ve seen what happens to women who accuse famous men of rape in the media. I’d rather not have something similar play out in my own life.
What does it mean to be a woman in the church? What does it mean to be silent about violence perpetrated within the church? There is no doubt in my mind that Christ is by my side, weeping tears with me, gently bringing every new healing into creation, holding me up when I feel I cannot go on. I am not so trustful of his followers. Something about having the most fragile parts of you violated makes you wary of trusting people again. My own mother could barely believe that this happened to me. In the early days of understanding, trying to sort through what had really happened, one of my classmates said, “It could happen to anyone. You’re not alone.” I am not alone. What does that mean for me? What does that mean for the church?
What does reconciliation mean?
I don’t know the answers to these questions. I know that my Creator came to destroy a system that is so firmly entrenched that even today, with all our so-called progress, survivors are afraid to speak up. I know that it is only in Christ that I will be healed and become whole again.
March 11th, 2010 at 9:22 am
Praying for your healing but also for all our healing–that blame the victim thing is a sin,as far as I’m concerned.
March 17th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
Sometimes the beginning of freedom is asking the questions… Your story is redemptive and unfolding and I’m glad you shared.
March 18th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
You are right… You are not alone. There are many of us out here. It has taken me many years to come to a place of forgiveness. I don’t want to drag my abuser around with me any more, the burden on my spirit would be akin to a 250 lb weight strapped to my back. I finally had to release him, for my own freedom and sanity.
Unfortunately, in this world we will have many troubles. We are subject to the consequences of other people’s sin. Our hope is in Christ, that He has conquered all. We must trust Him, and believe that He can and WILL use ALL things for our good. I have had many opportunities to help others in the same boat, only because I can truly say, “I know what you are going through.” He can use this in your life too, as you heal and continue to grow and see yourself how God sees you.
I think this is the greatest point of what I am trying to say… We, the church, need to take a more pointed approach with women and girls of the body. They need to know who they are in Christ. If they are able to see themselves as Christ sees them, if they are able to realize how He loves them and how precious they are to Him. If they are able to understand the plan and the future and the hope He has in store for their lives… Then I truly believe that they would not subject themselves to that sort of abuse… I know that I wouldn’t have, because I don’t now.
I really think abusers play on insecurity… if we know who we are in Christ, we are no longer insecure. Instead we are secure in who He says we are. One to be loved, honored and cherished. To be loved as He loved the church, willing to give His life for her.
God bless you in your recovery. HE IS ABLE to COMPLETELY heal you Sister!! Hold on to Him, and focus on who He says you are, and pass it on.
A book that REALLY helped me was, “Total Forgiveness” by Kendall, he also has one about forgiving yourself – another important step in recovery.
March 19th, 2010 at 9:08 am
I was rereading your post, and wanted to clarify, before I unintentionally add to your frustration. When I tell you that I have forgiven… You must understand forgiveness from my new perspective. Forgiveness is NOT for the sake of your abuser. Forgiveness is for YOU, so that you can be free in your heart of the burden of those that have harmed you, as well as the fear, anger and bitterness. Forgiveness does NOT necessarily mean restoration of relationship. You are not a door mat, you are fully able to release this individual in forgiveness through Christ’s strength, and maintain your dignity. You are also able to set boundaries for this person, so that they are no longer able to harm you. We are commanded to forgive as Christ forgave us… no, you haven’t hurt someone else the way this person hurt you… but the penalty for you sins and mine are still death. Allow Christ’s complete work of forgiveness to transform your life!
If you went to the pound and saw a sweet looking dog, and stuck your hand through the fence to pet it… and in turn it bit you. You would certainly be hurt, but you would also realize that the dog was acting as a dog does when it is scared or coming from a place of abuse itself. You may even be able to feel compassion for the dog and all that it has suffered, making it unable to share in a loving relationship with someone and causing it to even lash out before it can be harmed itself… You could understand all these things, but I guarantee you wouldn’t stick your hand back in that cage. This is how I see forgiveness for an abuser. Something hurt this man so deeply, scarring his heart so badly, that he in turn hurts others before he can be hurt himself… or, he is taking his pain out on others. Regardless, he is wounded. Imagine the torture he must has suffered, in order to render it on another life. It is truly tragic. But you can help break the cycle in your own life, and pray that God spares anyone else from this man’s grasp.
Forgiveness is a process…some days it is simple, other days, I am seeking the Lord hour by hour, asking Him to do the work of forgiveness through me – and He IS faithful to do it!
Secondly, when I say that if we know who we are in Christ, we would not subject ourselves to such abuse – I don’t for a minute want you to think that we can completely avoid wrongs done to us. Nor do I want you to think I am saying you are responsible for what was done to you. However, now that I know who I am in Jesus, how He values me, and how I am loved by Him – I am more able to recognize abusers. I am able to lay down the boundaries that I need, and have laid down the fear that kept me from seeking help in the past. I also pray and ask God to reveal to me where I should be careful in relationships. I also have asked God to change my heart so I do not feel an attraction to people like this, but only compassion for them – so that I may pray for them but do not get sucked in. This goes for all relationships with friends, family and significant others.
I hope this helps clarify what I was trying to say in my previous response. Remember, HE IS ABLE!
March 26th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Saved By Grace, thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate them. Bless you.
April 8th, 2010 at 11:16 am
To God be the Glory, great things He has done! So loved He the world that He gave us His Son! Love you Sister, keep in touch, I would love to walk this with you as God leads!
April 8th, 2010 at 11:17 am
you can reach me at allthatiamforhim.blogspot.com