Kindly Explain…
Euodia sent in the following reflection -
I have a question. Several, actually. Why is it that:
- A man is “direct” while a woman is “harsh”?
- A man can be “candid” but a woman doing the same is “abrasive”?
- A man has “strong leadership skills” but a woman with the same skill set is “usurping authority”?
- A man is “assertive” but a woman with the same approach or tone is a b… (ending in “ch”)?
- A man who’s action-oriented and decisive is “a good leader,” but a woman who’s action-oriented and decisive is “intimidating”?
- A man who takes the initiative is taking the initiative, but a woman who does so is “insubordinate”?
- A man with strong opinions is “solid” or “visionary” while a woman with strong opinions is “combative” or “has trouble with people”?
- A man is “capable” but a woman is “intimidating”?
Will someone kindly explain this to me?
September 1st, 2009 at 9:16 am
Um… sexism.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am
Yep. Sexism.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:13 am
1. insecurity
2. intimidated
3. sexist
A generation from now, may this be unknown and shocking to our grandkids…
September 1st, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Good questions – i wish i knew. Deb, i hope you’re right about the next generation thinking all the gender inequality is ridiculous, as i hope is the case for gay marriage. sadly, i think all this garbage is still too prevalent to be eradicated in 50 years.
i am a very tall, woman chemist who isn’t afraid to speak up for myself or others, and thus, i have run into myriad of issues where people think i’m bossy, disrespectful and intimidating. Now, i know i’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but i think a lot of this is due to the fact that i’m female. The worst of it all is that my friends, family and sometimes strangers equate my lack of dating experience to me being “intimidating.” How is a highly educated, successful, tall, passionate, assertive man the hallmark of what a lot of women seek (and as you say, capable), but a woman with the same descriptors is scary and intimidating? And, i apparently need to apologize for and hide my degrees? Sorry – not happening.
Last one:
A man who supports and works towards equality is a “free-thinker, progressive and a role-model,” but a woman who supports equality is a “raging feminist.”
September 1st, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Interesting and telling. Katie, did you know that those who neglect to italicize the letter ‘I’ when referring to themselves indicate a significant level of insecurity by this obvious omission? If I can pick this up as someone who’s never met you, how easy would it be for a guy you’ve already met–or someone you’d like to meet–to figure this out as well? Men don’t like women who don’t like themselves.
I’m sick and tired of the old male/female domination argument; whiny women are just as irritating to the hardworking female demographic as they are to their male scapegoats…
September 1st, 2009 at 10:02 pm
My apologies. I could use the excuse that English is my second language, but regardless of my excuses, when I re-read my post, I realized that I confused the word ‘capitalize’ with ‘italicize.’ So sorry.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:05 pm
regina, i tend not to capitalize in less formal settings (like blogs) more out of laziness than lack of self-esteem, but interesting point.
one thing that intrigues me is that this forum or any discussion about inequalities (be they racial, political, religious, et cetera) is often misconstrued as “whining” instead of illuminating injustice. i dislike the “empowering woman” conversations that devolve into man-bashing, but i think this is an important time to respectfully talk about these things in open, honest ways with the focus on how to move forward without a chip on our shoulders, but with determination and hope that hard work and success will continue to crumble the wall.
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:12 am
A reasonable explanation…I’ll buy it.
As for the chip? I’ve only just been made aware of this site and after 2 days of perusing I’ve discovered that the chip is now permanently embedded in my shoulder.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:04 am
It’s not an explanation as such, but I read about a study a while ago, entitled ‘Damned if you do, doomed if you don’t’ that found, basically, that senior executives in the US and Europe strongly associated leadership qualities with masculinity, so women were stuck either being ‘feminine’ and liked, but never seen as leaders, or ‘masculine’, considered as leaders, but disliked. It’s here: http://www.catalyst.org/publication/83/the-double-bind-dilemma-for-women-in-leadership-damned-if-you-do-doomed-if-you-dont
Interesting, but depressing.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
While ‘damned’ is probably the appropriate word, I find that the ‘double-bind’ info previously mentioned is also flawed. In the ‘alpha female’ realm, power is not meted out through brute force or masculine forms of posturing. Women leaders are often disliked for legitimate reasons; unfortunately, most ambitious women define social/corporate status by evaluating the number of desirable social contacts another woman/possible rival possesses, and all too often leadership gains are acquired through manipulation, relational aggression tactics and a threatening sexualized manner. Personally, I now only work for myself and I quit going to church years ago because the she-bitches in leardership nearly killed me–then I nearly made the same mistake all over again when a family member urged me to try her ‘fabulous emerging church group.’ What I found was everything I left behind in the traditional church multiplied by two plus a jaw-dropping level of prejudice and discrimination. I had no idea that enlightenment was so very ….legalistic and cruel.
…..most of my skin has grown back.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:31 am
There is an old Hasidic tale:
A farmer was working in a field. A traveler came along. “Say, good fellow, what are the people in the next village like?”
The farmer rested on his hoe and said, “Well, what were the people in the village you came from like?”
“They were horrible. Nastiest, most unfriendly folks I ever met,” said the traveler.
“Hmm,” said the farmer. “I’m sorry to say that the folks in the next village are pretty much the same.”
“I guess I’ll just hurry through, then. Thanks.” And off the traveler went.
A while later another traveler came along from the same direction as the first one and asked the farmer in the field, “Say, good fellow, what are the people in the next village like?”
The farmer rested on his hoe and said, “Well, what were the people in the village you came from like?”
“They were amazing. Most hospitable, friendly folks I ever met.”
“Hmm,” said the farmer. “I’m glad to say that the folks in the next village are pretty much the same.”
“I will be looking forward to getting to know them, then. Thanks.” And off the traveler went.
I spent 15 years practicing law. I lived in that power-hungry “male” world. When I first entered it, I tried to look, talk, and exercise power just like the men did. I learned to get what I wanted in that world, too. through word and action. I was, in a word, a she-bitch. Don’t mess with me!
Trouble is, I hated who I was becoming, and literally, through the grace of God, I eventually I stopped doing being that way. I won just as many cases after that, but I didn’t play their game their way any more.
The shift I made was figuring out what was about them, what was about me, which things I could change, and which things I couldn’t, just like the Serenity Prayer says. The next step was to figure out what kind of person I wanted to be, and then act with integrity from that foundation. What I do is assume up front that the villagers – both male and female – will be fantastic, and I am rarely disappointed. When I am, I know it’s probably not about me, though once in a while it is and that is a time for reflection and repentance.
I know there are damaged women out there who hate women “leaders” of any stripe – I have met with and worked with them in both fields. I can’t change them, but I’m not about to let them define me or my leadership vision to others or to myself.
And, what is “leadership,” anyway? Getting people to do what you want? People as diverse as Daniel Pink and Peter Rollins are trying to get us to stop seeing leadership is an over/against power dynamic in both business and church. I agree with them: “leadership” is getting people to do figure out what they really want out of life and helping them to do it. Those into power-based models of leadership won’t understand, but I don’t need their approval to do the kind of leadership work I’ve been given to do.
Now, I am fully aware that I come from the sphere of white, highly educated, middle class unearned privilege, and so that must and will have an impact on my experiences. So, I can and do speak only from my particular sphere.
Good discussion. However, we can’t let the false dichotomies of the power-hungry dynamic in the “modern” world frame our life, work or self images.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:39 am
By the way, “both fields” is the legal field and the church; I am now a priest in the Episcopal Church and have been for 9 years.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:24 am
You may not want to spread this around this blog as I’m pretty sure I qualify as cannon fodder among the ‘courtiers,’ but I must say that I’m impressed. The story you presented was predictable and we’ve all heard it before, but… you surprised me at the ending by talking about yourself instead of how desperately awful you thought I was. Thank you for showing me that there are still people out there who can think for themselves while also seeming to care for those who may not be at the same place. Well said, well received. Thanks.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
And you know well what it is to be gracious. My thanks to you, as well.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Becky, I related to your story, and observations. While I can recognized that the proverbial deck is stacked against women when it comes to “making it” in our current corporate structure, the real issue gets obscured by us bemoaning not being validated. The truth is, feminine strength, wisdom, person-hood is not respected, especially in corporate business. I am more concerned in learning to live out of my authentic self and worrying about my own growth despite and in the face of opposition. All I have to offer ultimately is who I was made to be.
August 1st, 2011 at 5:31 am
I’m happy! It is easy to see that you are passionate about your writing. Looking forward to future posts. Thanks!
August 25th, 2011 at 8:29 am
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