Emerging Women

By Lisa Borden

Last night I explained to my 10 year-old-daughter the “bodily changes” that she can expect to be coming her way in the months and years ahead.

I’ve been a little nervous about this talk because, in my mind, so much hinged on it.

I’ve been a mom for 22 years but I’ve never been involved in the “puberty talk” before because my daughter’s older siblings are all brothers. Yes, I’ve answered questions and talked about sex with the boys. My most outstanding memory is of standing at the stove stirring spaghetti sauce when one of my sons (who was 13) came up behind me and asked, “What’s oral sex?” I remember giving a very calm and lucid answer as I stared into that nicely bubbling sauce.

So I have no experience at giving the “growing up” talk. I DO have experience at receiving a couple of talks on the matter. Now, I can’t say that my mom did a particularly bad job. She was clear, if a little formal. It wasn’t so much the talk that was the problem. It was more the whole vibe around bodies that existed in our home. Bodies were shameful some how. Asking for deodorant when I finally needed it would have been far too embarrassing. Asking for help with my first periods would have probably killed me.

Looking back on it, I think my mom probably would have been very helpful. But there was a vibe in the house that associated bodies to all those other things out there that had to be kept under strict control. I mean, if I needed a bra then I was probably about to run off with some boy and show it to him. That was the kind of strange, unspoken message that we girls were picking up. It’s hard to untangle where all that came from. All I know is that it’s not what I want my young woman growing up with.

Because of all this, I began to hatch a plan with my close friend, Tammy, who has a daughter one year older than my own.

“What if we had a FUN time together talking about boobs and bras and periods?” I asked.

“What if, instead of a kind of weirdo vibe around the issue, we made the talk a special dinner and over-night and girl time?”

“What if the whole thing felt like a celebration?”

My mind was popping with ideas. I did not want a clandestine meeting in hushed tones. I wanted a celebration and a night to remember. I wanted something that said clearly “You are wonderfully made!”

Well, the reality of schedules kept Tammy and I from getting to this for months and months. In the mean time, my 10 year old was beginning to show signs of development and I knew that the clock was racing ahead of us. We couldn’t wait for an over-night. We needed an evening out NOW.

So here’s what transpired…

Two girls dressed up in their finery and two moms whisked them off to a special dinner out. We went to a lovely new hotel in town and their eyes shone as we walked across the little bridge and over the stream with a fountain into the beautiful dining room. They had their Sprite in wine glasses and we had wine in ours. We toasted the joy of being a girl and ordered starters.

Before the main course, we told the girls that we were sure they some times wondered how their bodies were going to eventually become grown-up women’s bodies. We told them that they may have heard different things but that the grape vine isn’t the best place to get information, (though friends can be helpful!) We told them that we wanted them to hear right from their own moms what the straight scoop was and we wanted them to know that they could always ask us anything.

“That talk” that followed was punctuated with funny stories and laughter. We presented each of the girls with her own copy of American Girl’s wonderful book “The Care and Keeping of You.” This tasteful book is cute and clear and gives the girls relevant info on everything from taking care of hair and skin to how to insert a tampon. It doesn’t promote fashion or certain ridiculously emaciated body types. It’s just honest and well done. They were delighted!

But my favorite moment of all came just a few minutes later. After the girls had browsed the books for a while, we pulled out the second gift. We had wrapped up a set of 2 soft tank top style bras for each girl. I thought this gift might actually embarrass them but not so. They insisted on rushing off to the ladies room immediately and came back very proudly to the table, tucking their straps carefully under the sundresses.

The girls thanked us over and over while we, in turn, thanked God. Tammy and I had wanted to present our girls with honest information in such a way as to help them feel honored and celebrated. We wanted them to know that their bodies are fantastic and that being a woman is wonderful. And we wanted them to feel that this first conversation was only the beginning.

I believe they got it. On the way home, my girl with the new bra piped up and asked, “Is it normal for your straps to fall down the whole time?” And so we began the next conversation, “Adjusting Your Bra Straps.”

Lisa carries a US passport but has spent 31 of her 46 years outside of the States in England, Sweden, Kenya and Portugal. Today, Lisa and her family live in Tanzania, East Africa, where they engage issues of poverty and lack of hope through their work with Wild Hope International. You can find her at her personal blog http://letsputthekettleon.blogspot.com and the Wild Hope blog http://www.wildhopestories.blogspot.com/a>.

Tags: Lisa Borden, puberty