Jemila, no anger and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive. They’re in fact two different things completely. Anger is an emotion. In many cases beyond our control. A symptom of pain, of real hurt in us. Forgiveness is a choice, an action. I think that often, making the choice to forgive is the only thing that can bring about the change in our feelings of anger. And reconciling is another thing altogether—a whole other level beyond forgiveness. It requires not just forgiveness on the one hand, but repentence on the other, and a commitment to the work involved in doing those things. One cannot reconcile and feel angry—the mere fact of feeling angry is an indicator that not enough healing has happened yet for true reconciliation to be possible. In other words, you may be committed to the work of reconciliation, you may be still feeling angry and working through forgiveness issues, but until the hurt has healed enough to dissipate the anger you will not be able to achieve reconciliation.

As someone with significant anger issues, it’s been interesting to watch myself over the last year or so. My pastor husband is being unfairly driven out of our church by a small contingent of self serving and spiritually immature church elders (elders only by years). Not suprisingly, I’ve been more than a tad bitter. Anger mixed with fear and all stirred up with a healthy dose of panic by such things as whether we’ll be able to feed and house our three small children when his resignation becomes effective at the end of the year. I’ve always been someone who loves church, the liturgy, communion, etc. To have that all soured for me—to make Sunday morning worship more of a trial than a joy has made me very angry. And yet . . .
It has been a strange sort of gift to be stuck here with people that I do not want to deal with, trying to worship God in this situation when all my instincts tell me to cradle my anger, to cut and run, to abandon these people and let them find out how sorry they’ll really be when we’re gone.
But what if I got what I wanted? What if the church really fell apart after we left? This small town desperately needs Christ, his healing, his reconciliation. It needs our broken little church to be the Church here. My husband was really only hurt by a few. Do I want to take out my anger on the entire congregation? And what a shock to find that there are people who are even more angry than I am that we’re leaving! What do I want for those who have been faithful to us during this rocky time? To find that not only was I not the only one hurt out of this mess but that my hurts weren’t even the worst has been very perspective-adjusting.
I’m not over being angry. I’m not to the point of forgiveness—especially since a couple of the people primarily responsible for this mess won’t even admit that they’ve done anything wrong. I’m not even to the point of wanting to forgive yet. Well, I don’t know. I sort of want to forgive, but I’m definitely after vindication too. But at least I’m coming to the point of remember that God loves those who have hurt me as much he loves me, and that their sin is no greater than my own. That it’s only by his impossible, incomprhensible, why-the-hell-should-he-have-done-anything-for-me GRACE that my forgiveness and redemption has been bought . . . and that it’s not mine to tell God who he can forgive—but that it is his to tell me to do what he has already done.

For an over extended metaphor on anger, forgiveness and Christian maturity, see the following.
http://coffeerandoms.blogspot.com/

I can relate personally to this issue.

I am currently wrestling with the dynamic of anger and forgiveness. Are the two mutually exclusive? If one must be chosen is it better to reconcile and feel angry or to not reconcile and feel a sense of well-wishing?

Happy, I love how the writer of James says it, “Mercy triumphs over judgment” (2:13).

Thanks be to God!

Which makes sense. After all, if God wouldn’t let Jonah reject the repentance of a bunch of slave-impaling pagans (see Jonah 4), why would he let us reject the repentance of a fellow citizen of the Kingdom of God?

And Amy Beth – quite right. He doesn’t say “if and only if” – I’d missed that. And it does make a difference.

Julie – I love the way you make me rethink things! It’s true – Jesus treated pagans and tax collectors in a way very contrary to the way society did… I wonder about the use of the word “church” in this passage, tho. Did the “church” as such exist at the time, or is this Matthew’s edit later to explain what Jesus meant?

chill24 – glad this has been helpful! and the church service sounds like it was a great experience. what a cool idea to read the sermon out like that. it always amazes me how HEARING God’s word can help you hear things that you didn’t/wouldn’t have just reading it.

Jemila – wise words and a gentle spirit as always. you are one of my favorite people. thanks.

and Lori – GREAT story – thanks so much for sharing that.

soldiermom – I think Rachel addressed this a little bit in her first comment, but i think the principle is one also found in the Golden Rule – “do unto others as you would have them do to you” – there’s this sense of what goes around comes around, and vice versa… justice, i guess. but what turns it all upside down is grace.

I think if you’re really chasing Jesus, what happens is that as you spend more time with Him, you become more like Him – and I’ve definitely found in my own life that as I grow in my relationship with God and in my understanding of His love for me and His grace, it has become easier to forgive even the most hurtful things. So while this verse from Matthew 6 can sound harsh, the truth is God’s grace is enough even so – not only does God forgive our sin but gives us the grace to learn how to – and even to want to – forgive others as well. Love God and love your neighbor as yourself – the two greatest commandments. As you learn to do that – by grace – everything else follows. “Seek first the kingdom of heaven” – and all else will be added.

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Forgiveness is such an intricate, unpredictable sort of intangible, profoundly real experience for us as humans. I’m very much looking forward to reading & discussing Miroslav Volf’s book together next month, as he captures the essence of forgiveness in profound, experience-grounded ways–not to mention, exceptionally well articulated!

In the meantime, however, I had a short forgiveness story to tell. As some of you have mentioned, it’s so difficult to know if we have forgiven, or just how to forgive, and I so often find myself in that place. It seems like just saying “I forgive you” doesn’t always seem to provide the heart-changing effects I’m after. Anyhow, a couple years back I was chatting with my mother-in-law (with whom I am fortunately very close) and I mentioned a long-standing issue with my husband (yes, that would be her son). It wasn’t a huge thing, but for 5 or 6 years it had sort of simmered on the sidelines, and I kept having to come back to it and say “I forgive you”–then the weight of it would sneak away for a while, only to be brought back at some other inopportune time. I had prayed about it often, and it felt very much like I was failing at the forgiveness thing, despite my heartfelt desire to let go! So one evening a couple days later, Mom and I were watching the sunset over Lake Michigan together, in silence, and out of the blue I felt the weight of this silly thing just lift off me. I hadn’t been thinking about it at all, it just all of a sudden appeared, and then vanished. I didn’t say anything, but just sat in the silence and basked. A couple days later, I mentioned the experience to Mom, who smiled back at me–she had been praying for freedom for me from this thing at that very moment, and God had answered her prayer, in “real time”. The weight has never returned, and sometimes we even joke about that thing that so used to bug me!

This experience has led me to realize what a gift forgiveness often must be. There’s much we can do to put our hearts in the right place, and Jesus obviously calls us to just that sort of discipline. But sometimes, it takes his hand reaching down to do the last bit of heavy lifting–sometimes with the help of our human sisters and brothers, too!