I’m curious also about the studies mentioned and agree that behaviorist thinking has greatly influenced our thinking.

1. I found your bit about reward/punishment-heaven/hell and the studies done on the results thereof… people’s walk with God/longevity/etc very interesting.

You mentioned that a number of ‘studies’ and ‘research’ had been done validating…. I’d love to look into that a little further.

Can you provide any specific links, sites, studies, books, etc…

2. I agree fully that “over rewarding” “praising” can be counter-productive, manipulative, manufactured, etc etc…

There seems that the majority of the conversation is around “to reward or not” (which is a worthwhile conversation).

Where does individuality, discernment, personality come into play. To use Gary Chapman’s wording one’s “Love Language” (The Five Love Languages). Where he contends, some respond (give/receive) “love” best through: words of affirmation (perhaps “god job”), physical touch, service, quality time, gift giving. Do these factors also need to be taken into consideration…? And,how does that begin to shape interactions…?

Yes, destruction of property is an area of concern. I know he’s learning…and I’m learning with him.

This afternoon I gave my five year-old a choice between making a drawing, listening to CD or sitting on the couch to get centered. She chose to make a drawing. What she drew was beautiful: A radiant, yellow person — a reflection of the image of God in her (my interpretation)

She gave the picture to me as a gift. I asked her if she was ready to apologize to her brother, whom she had pushed off the slide. She said, “I’ll be ready after I look at this picture for a minute.”

Just thought this might be encouraging to some of you, esp those exploring art & prayer. I would also be curious about any thoughts regarding art, spirituality and children in general. But that might be a post in itself

There’s a series of books that I really like which have been very useful with guiding discussions on this topic with our oldest. They’re called “The Way I Feel” books, and they’re written by a therapist named Cornelia Maude Spelman. She’s really good at taking emotions like sadness, anger, fear, etc. and bringing them down to a young child’s level using concrete examples and then giving them really constructive ideas for dealing with these feelings. I’d love for some of you to check them out and see what you think.

p.s.Just because I don’t necessarily agree with some of your thoughts on punishment/rewards does NOT mean I don’t respect your ideas. I’m really big on the ability of each parent to know what’s best for their individual children, and I think sometimes we second-guess ourselves a bit too much when we should be listening to that God-given intuition. Each child’s different. I can definitely attest to that as my own boys have DEFINITE personalities and different needs and desires even at this very early stage. Heaven help us all!

Janice, in regards to the situation with your son, I would have taken the same approach (don’t know if that’s good or bad). That seems like a logical consequence, especially for that age group. I know that consequences are something I have to think really hard about. There are many times when I tell my children they will get a consequence, but mommy needs to think about it. Hopefully as I do this more, I will get better at it.

On that end, I have question of my own. My oldest (6 years) pounded his bed with a plastic sword last week. Three weeks earlier, he had taken his teeth and bit into our railing on our loft and made long marks in the wood. At that point, I knew he was just seeing what would happen to the wood and didn’t realize it was destructive. I told him that what he did was harmful and it is disrespectful to damage other people’s “stuff.” So, when the bunk bed had big dents in it and he informed me that it was his stuff so my rule didn’t apply, I felt that it was an appropriate time for consequences. He ended up loosing all TV/computer priveledges for three days (he only gets 30-60 minutes of combined time/day). I felt kind of stumped on this one. My reasoning with him was that by disrespecting property, he lost priviledges for use of property.

Jemila, I like the options you give to Nika. I think we’ll start using those. I also like that you also recognize your energy level and place that as an important consideration for your children. Regarding the cycle, I don’t have much in the way of advice, but I have been trying to make a point to have fun time with my kids at certain times of the day that I know I have the best patience level (bedtime is not one of my best times). It seems to make a differnce when they have had fun with mom at some point during the day.